Jim reads The Fight Before Christmas, echoing the style of "Twas the Night Before..."  This version is a little more violent, but still sweet. 

Have a Merry, Happy, Jolly (but watch out) Great Holiday Season.

THE FIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
                                                              by Gary Apple (very funny guy)

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Florence was pissed.
Ed still wasn't home. A fine dinner he missed.
The kids had all eaten and gone off to bed.
While Flo stayed up waiting for her husband Ed.

Ed staggered in at a eleven-o-eight.
"The boss called a meeting. I'm sorry I'm late."
"The trains weren't running. My car had a flat."
And he went on for twenty-three minutes like that.

Flo said, "Sit down and I'll warm up your meal."
Ed said, "You're terrific." Then ate a great deal.
He finished the turkey, the ham, and the pie.
Till fin'ly Ed said, "I'm so stuffed I could die."

He leaned back and yawned like a sleepy baboon.
When Florence detected the scent of perfume!
She sniffed ‘round the window, the houseplants, the dirt.
But Flo soon discovered the source was Ed's shirt!

"Now how ‘bout some sugar?" said Ed with a wink.
Then Flo hit him hard with a pan from the sink.
"Wait! Stop! Are you crazy?" Ed cried out in pain.
But rather than answer, Flo hit him again.

Ed sailed ‘cross the table and on to the floor.
Then rose to his feet and was struck three times more.
"Let's talk this thing out. Fighting won't help, now will it?"
Then Florence attacked with a cast iron skillet.

But Ed, who was ready, stepped quickly aside.
He stuck out his leg, Flo went down, and she cried.
"Don't cry sweet dear Florence," said sad, concerned Ed.
Flo grabbed both his ears and then smashed in his head.

They rumbled and tumbled. They ragged and they ripped.
They pummeled and pounded. They scratched and they tripped.
They "Oomphed!" and they "Ouched!" There were bangs. There were thuds.
The room was soon covered with both of their bloods.

They stepped on the manger. They knocked down its walls.
Yes, you could say that they both decked the halls.
They crushed all the presents. They leveled the tree.
And this violence went on ‘till a quarter past three.

Just as Ed cocked his arm for a sure fatal blow.
He saw they were standing beneath mistletoe.
He said, "Florence, look!" as he pointed above.
She lowered her hands and her eyes filled with love.

"We've forgotten it's Christmas," said Ed with a plea.
And for once in their marriage, Flo said, "I agree."
"Oh, Ed, I'm so sorry I acted like this."
And Ed lifted her chin and gave Florence a kiss.

But while they were kissing, Flo reached for the tree.
And plucked off the star she had hung tenderly.
As Ed said, "I love you." and gave her a peck.
Flo rammed the star into Ed's fleshy neck.

Flo stood there silent and watched Edward fall.
She showed no emotion. No, nothing at all.
But she quietly spoke as Ed's final breath fell.
Merry Christmas dear Ed. May you both rot in hell.

The End